Self-love

How Loving Yourself Can Positively Impact Your Relationships

Written by Nigel G Kettle

In this fast-paced world, it often feels like we are lagging. Everybody seems to be doing better than we are; they seem to be coping with the times more effectively than we are, they are more successful than we are, and they are happier and enjoying life more than we are. They are more beautiful, more attractive, more—more everything. Yes, the world can feel like this to all of us at times, no matter how successful and happy we seem. All of us fall victim to self-blame and a degree of self-hatred, especially when we are working to achieve something and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. That feeling of failure takes a toll on us. Why can they do it, and I can’t?

“What is wrong with me?” a friend once asked. “Am I so ugly that nobody wants me? Everybody has a partner, and I can’t seem to find one.” For a moment, I stood there, shocked, looking at what I considered to be one of the most attractive girls I knew. As far as beauty goes, she was at the top of the list, yet here she was complaining that she couldn't find a suitable partner. I was twenty years old at the time, and to be completely honest with you, my first instinct was to take her in my arms and show her what love truly felt like. And for a fraction of a minute, I relished in the thought of it. But instead, I pushed the thought away, hugged her, and said, “As you know, good things come to those who wait. Your day is just around the corner, just wait and see.” I then began to flatter her by telling her how beautiful she was and that any man would be a fool not to see that. In a few minutes, she was back to being herself again.

The point here is that everybody suffers from insecurity when things are not going their way.  It doesn’t matter how pretty, successful, or confident people seem. We all often suffer from a lack of self-love. In a world that often encourages external validation and comparison, the concept of self-love has emerged as a significant pillar of emotional well-being. It goes beyond mere self-acceptance; self-love requires a deep appreciation for oneself, acknowledging both strengths and imperfections. In this article, we will explore how cultivating self-love can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships with others.

What Exactly is Self-Love?

Self-love is the intentional practice of caring for and prioritizing your own psychological needs, recognizing your worth, valuing yourself, and treating yourself with kindness and respect. It involves self-compassion, self-awareness, and a commitment to personal growth. When you develop a strong sense of self-love, you equip yourself with the emotional tools necessary to navigate life’s challenges and promote meaningful connections with others.

Believe it or not, you are not alone in your lack of deep love for yourself. Most people do not place a lot of value on themselves. They pretend they do, often to give the impression that they are more successful than they are. Yes, if you ask someone outright, “Do you love yourself?” They will respond with the default answer, a resounding, “Yes.” If you want the honest answer, dig a little deeper past the superficial through heart-to-heart conversations. I was often shocked by prominent so-called confident people who have confided in me about their insecurities and a deep sense of failure in life. I'm no longer shocked. Welcome to us, “humans”, a complicated bundle of emotional mess.

The Connection Between Self-Love and Relationships

1. Enhanced Self-Esteem

Self-love is intrinsically linked to self-esteem. When you genuinely appreciate yourself, you exhibit a healthy self-image. This confidence enables you to embrace vulnerability in your relationships, cultivating deeper, more meaningful connections. You’re less likely to seek validation from your partner or friends, which reduces the emotional weight in these interactions and promotes authenticity.

2. Reduced Dependency

A lack of self-love often results in co-dependent relationships, where people rely too much on each other for emotional support. In contrast, those who practice self-love tend to see relationships as partnerships rather than lifelines. This independence encourages a healthier balance, allowing both individuals to grow separately and together, which leads to stronger, more resilient relationships.

3. Healthier Communication

Self-love cultivates self-awareness, which enhances communication skills. When you have a positive relationship with yourself, you are better able to express your feelings, needs, and desires clearly. This openness invites more honest conversations with loved ones, nurturing trust and understanding. As I continually reinforce in most of my articles, communication is a cornerstone of any strong relationship, and self-love plays a direct role in developing this vital skill.

5. Compassion and Empathy

Loving and understanding yourself allows you to extend compassion and empathy to others. When you understand your own struggles and imperfections, you are more equipped to empathize with those of your loved ones. This mutual understanding nurtures emotional intimacy, strengthens bonds, and encourages a supportive environment where both partners feel valued and understood.

6. Acceptance of Flaws

We are all flawed, every single one of us. There are no exceptions to this. Yes, self-righteous John and Jane, that includes you, too. However, the beauty of self-love is embracing your flaws and imperfections. When you come to grips with this and accept your flawed self as you are, it becomes easier to accept others as they are, too. This acceptance leads to less judgment and criticism within relationships, creating a secure space for growth and understanding. In doing so, you create an environment where differences can be celebrated rather than criticized, promoting harmony and a deeper connection, which ultimately leads to greater fulfillment.

Steps to Cultivate Self-Love:

Contrary to what you have believed and been taught, the world is not fair. Unfortunately, wish as you may, the world was not designed this way, and no amount of wishing will change that.  As I like to say, “It is what it is.” We did not have a hand in the traits we were given at birth, nor the circumstances that shaped our beliefs in our early years of life. Like it or not, that was predetermined for us. However, now that you are older and, I hope, wiser, it is time for you to accept this and set out to change your odds.  Yes, you can throw your hands up and give in like most of us have, or you can decide today that you will take the cards you are dealt and play your hand to the best of your ability.

Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to fix the world, nor will it help you. But also note that, however you feel about yourself, most of the confident people you see around and admire are likely suffering from insecurities just like you. Remember that none of us is perfect; we all have a set of flaws and defects, both physical and psychological. You are no uglier or less attractive than anyone else. Yes, you may look different from your idols, because, like most of society, you have fallen into the trap of beauty standards as portrayed by television or social media, but each of us is unique in our own way and is equally valuable. Several things about you are great; you may not have noticed them yet, but this is what you must do.  Below are the steps I use and find most conducive to cultivating self-love.   

1. Identify Your Positive Traits: Each of us possesses unique positive traits that make us distinct. Identify those traits and use them to your advantage. A part of what is making you feel so insecure about yourself is that you are underutilizing your natural talents. If based on society’s standards, you are not the most attractive person—fine, you don’t need to be—but work on your personality to compensate for it. No, you don’t need to undergo body enhancements, which seems to be the current fad. I have found that most people who engage in these practices often find them to be a temporary band-aid that does not address the deep, underlying causes of their deep-seated insecurities, but instead open the door to applying more band-aids to other issues, without identifying, addressing, or finding permanent solutions.

2.     Find the Most Attractive Things About Yourself and Amplify Them: We are not all created the same. But we were all given a set of traits to work with. Identify your most attractive traits and push them to the forefront in a way that showcases them. You do that by dressing in ways that accentuate your body type. You are you. Your body is shaped differently. Not everything that others wear will look good on you. Some will fit and complement your body's shape, and others won’t.  Stop thinking that if it looks good on your friend, it will look good on you. If your body shapes are similar, then maybe. If they are not, it could possibly look better on you, or it could look downright ugly on you. Know your body type and select clothing that suits it accordingly. If you are very thin, avoid clothing that accentuates your thinness.  If you have a larger build, avoid clothing with large prints. Focus on highlighting only the features that you find attractive about yourself.  I know a man who had great fingers and smooth, soft skin. His nails were almost perfectly shaped to society’s standards. He had skinny legs and a somewhat long face. However, when he was trying to engage a woman, he would position what he considered to be his most attractive feature at the forefront to be noticed. And yes, he was noticed and adored by women. Well, it did help that he had a great personality. But women would always compliment him on his fingers and skin. The point I am making is, “Use what you have to your advantage.” Discover your best attributes and dress to accentuate them, not detract from them.

3.     Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices such as meditation to enhance self-awareness and develop a deeper understanding of your emotions. To truly know yourself, you must connect with your inner self and the universe around you on a deeper, more profound level.

4.     Affirmations: Use positive affirmations to reinforce your worth and challenge negative self-talk. Remind yourself daily of your value and unique qualities. People who don’t practice affirmations underestimate their power. Take me, for example. I used to believe I was not a good-looking person. I am a black Jamaican with freckles, which were passed down to me through my Irish or Polish ancestry—one of them. I did not like my freckles one bit. The strange thing is, I had several girlfriends who found me attractive because they thought the freckles made me cool. One of the cutest things I was told, which I hold on to until today because of my confirmational bias, is that every freckle meant an additional stroke. Okay, I didn’t really ask her what she meant by that, but in my head, I took it one way and ran with it. Darn it, I liked the way it sounded.  Anyway, jokes aside, the point I am making is that at some point, I became aware that my insecurities about my looks were affecting the energy I was projecting to the world, so I intentionally set out to change that. Every morning, I started looking at myself in the mirror, put on a big smile, and said, “Look at you, you handsome man!”  Not only do I say it, but in that moment I will it so and believe it so. Strangely, over time, I began to feel really handsome. But even stranger, I started getting compliments often, saying I was a handsome man. Today, I am a very confident man in my handsomeness. The same will happen to you if you start your self-affirmations today.

5.     Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit. This could range from exercise and healthy eating to hobbies and relaxation techniques. Take time to enjoy a little of life’s more soothing things. It could be as simple as relaxing in the bath with oils, reading a book, and listening to relaxing music, or having a masseuse or your partner give you a massage or foot rub goes a long way in relieving stress and tension. I enjoy lying in my partner’s lap and having her gently use a face cleanser to wipe my face or massage my scalp with rosemary oil. Likewise, I do the same to her.  I find that I derive the most pleasure from the simpler things in life. You don’t have to spend money on getting a luxury massage. Start with what you have today. If you are willing to give your partner a small massage, they will be more inclined to reciprocate.

I’ll conclude this article by noting that self-love is more than a trend; it's a transformative practice that can significantly enhance the quality of our relationships. By building a healthy relationship with ourselves, we develop the emotional resilience, compassion, and communication skills needed for meaningful connections with others. As we learn to love ourselves fully, we help our relationships to thrive, creating an environment where love, respect, and understanding can grow. Remember, loving yourself is the first step in building deep and lasting connections in your life. 

For more information on self-love and ways to overcome life's challenges, check out my book, "Balance, Counteracting the Obstacles in Life."