Why Do Good Relationships Go Bad

-Written by Nigel G Kettle

A fulfilling relationship is often regarded as the ultimate goal—a partnership filled with affection, trust, and understanding. However, even the most harmonious starts can be marred by disappointment, miscommunication, and even heartbreak. So why do good relationships, seemingly built to last, often go sour? Exploring the complex dynamics of human connection, this article examines the psychological, emotional, and practical reasons behind the breakdown of once-healthy bonds. 

At the heart of every new relationship lies hope—hope that the initial spark will never fade, that laughter will always echo, and that intimacy will only deepen. This optimism, while vital, can be deceptive. The early phase of a relationship, often referred to as the “honeymoon phase,” is characterized by intense attraction, novelty, and the exhilarating rush of discovery. In this phase, we frequently overlook flaws, gloss over incompatibilities, and proceed nonchalantly as if everything will just fall into place.

However, as time passes, reality gently reasserts itself. Habits once considered endearing often become sources of irritation. Within a relatively short period, the novelty begins to wane, giving way to boring routines. The illusion of perpetual bliss begins to crack, exposing the couple to the everyday challenges of entropy, commitment, and cohabitation.

Unfortunately, the most destructive force we humans must contend with is entropy. Yet most of us live our entire lives without even being aware of it. Roughly 80% of the people I talk to have heard the word, but most can’t tell you what it is. So, the question then becomes, how can so many people be unaware of the main thing that is responsible for the destruction they face daily in all facets of life?  Entropy dictates that everything must go from a state of order to a state of disorder. This is one of the laws of nature. It is, in fact, the second law of thermodynamics. However, it does not really matter what you call it; just be mindful that there is a direct and persistent force that is at work to destroy your life and your relationship. This is the main reason we become complacent the moment we accomplish something.

It is natural for us to want to relax, celebrate, and put our feet up when we have accomplished a significant milestone.  And yes, finding the right partner is a substantial accomplishment. Finding another human being with whom you are compatible is not the easiest feat. However, while you enjoy your newfound relationship, you must also take time to consciously start counteracting the forces that are actively at work disrupting it.

Let me explain how this works: if you purchase a house and simply live in it without ever doing any cleaning or maintenance, over time, the house will start to deteriorate.  The same principle applies to your relationship. While degradation often begins slowly, and in most cases, it is not noticeable until major problems arise.  However, once you wait to start counteracting until you are experiencing serious problems, it is much more challenging to resolve them.  I remember visiting a friend who has a two-bedroom apartment. She slept in one room, which was very nice and tidy, but in the second bedroom, the bed was piled almost to the ceiling with clothes.  “I am going to clean this room up this weekend,” she told me, somewhat embarrassed.  A month later, I happened to be by her place again, and the door to the spare room was open; I noticed it was still the same.  “What happened to you cleaning this room up four weeks ago?” I enquired.

“Oh,” she exclaimed. “The problem is I allowed it to get so out of hand, and now I don’t have the time or willpower to get it back under control.  Every time I look at it, the task is so monumental I just can’t find the energy to deal with it.” This is how most complacency in relationships develops when issues are left unresolved for too long. After a while, that task of fixing it becomes monumental, so we keep putting it off until things blow up.  Start upkeeping your relationship right away.  Here are some things to bear in mind and look out for.  These are often the things that most people blame for being the main reasons for the degradation of their partnership.

The Erosion of Communication

One of the most common culprits behind the decline of good relationships is the gradual breakdown of communication. In the beginning, couples often communicate openly and frequently, driven by curiosity and a desire for closeness. As comfort grows, conversations often dwindle. Assumptions fill the void left by words, and misunderstandings take root.

Unspoken grievances, bottled emotions, and unresolved conflicts can accumulate over time, creating a rift. What was once easily shared becomes guarded, and partners may find themselves drifting into emotional silos. Effective communication demands vulnerability, patience, and active listening. Take the time to openly talk and listen to each other.  The moment you notice that your partner is been reserved, bring it to their attention. Don’t keep pushing it off.  The longer you do it, the worse it becomes.

Changing Needs and Expectations

Human beings are not static; desires, priorities, and personal goals evolve. What draws two people together at one stage of life may not suffice at another. Partners may grow in different directions, shaped by new experiences, ambitions, or circumstances. For example, the arrival of children, career changes, or health challenges can shift the emotional and practical landscape of a relationship. When partners fail to recognize or adapt to these shifting needs, disconnect may ensue. Disappointment festers when expectations go unmet and efforts to renegotiate the partnership are ignored or misunderstood. Again, talk to your partner as soon as you notice a change.  Listen with empathy and be diligent in trying to find ways to work together to resolve these issues.  Everything is fixable if you have the will and desire to do so.

Complacency and Taking Each Other for Granted

The reason I am bringing this point up again is to emphasize its importance. One of the main reasons relationships fail is due to complacency. As familiarity sets in, so too does complacency. The sense of security that a good relationship fosters can, ironically, breed carelessness. Routine replaces romance; gestures of appreciation become less frequent, and the effort to nurture the bond wanes. Instead of cherishing our partners, we often begin to take each other for granted, illogically assuming that the relationship will sustain itself. Well, entropy will not allow any relationship to sustain itself; you'd better get working on maintaining it now. Don’t neglect the small but meaningful things in your relationship.  The magic of a relationship lies not in grand gestures but in sustained, everyday acts of kindness, compassion, empathy, and acknowledgment.

Unresolved Conflicts and Resentment

No relationship is without conflict, but the manner in which disagreements are addressed is crucial. Healthy relationships facilitate the airing of grievances and the pursuit of resolutions. However, if one or both partners avoid confrontation or use passive-aggressive tactics, resentments may simmer beneath the surface. Again, here, communication is the key. Take the time to listen with compassion and care.  Even though the way our partner chooses to address an issue may be different from ours, try to look at things from their perspective. Remember that their thoughts, reactions, and behavior are shaped by their personality, experiences, and specific sets of circumstances. You can’t expect them to handle things your way. Be understanding and try seeing this through their eyes. 

Deal with conflicts right away. Don’t push them off.  If things get too heated, put it on hold until you and your partner calm down, but never put it to rest until you have reached a consensus on the matter. Unresolved conflicts can morph into recurring arguments or, worse, silent withdrawal. When partners feel unheard or invalidated, they often begin to detach emotionally as a form of self-protection. The accumulation of unresolved issues will eventually turn any relationship from warm to cold.

It is important to note that many people who cheat often start doing so when they are upset with their partners. The reason for this is that during an argument, we tend to hurl insults at each other and thoughtlessly say things that are meant to get under their skin and offend them.  This often leads to a temporary feeling of insecurity and vulnerability. In this weakened state, we often feel the need to seek outside validation to boost our self-esteem. Regardless of how secure you are as a person, in these moments, we all desire a little moral boost to help us feel better about ourselves. During this vulnerable state, we are more likely to reach out to someone we know who is interested in us. This often makes us feel valued and wanted. While most people I know don’t readily admit this, the truth is, we all do this—all of us. Even if we don’t at any given moment, we are fighting the urge to do so.

The main point here is to make up quickly. I am in no way implying that you do this to prevent your partner from straying, but it’s something to bear in mind. However, I am saying, unless you are planning to break up, don’t spend so much of your energy and time in a negative space. Think about it this way, you are going to make up anyway, so why not now? Why further hurt yourself and your partner by prolonging the process? That’s a little masochistic, do you think? Don’t wait. Discuss the problem calmly, reach a consensus, and work towards reconciliation. Some people hold grudges for months after an argument. If you choose to do this, don’t be surprised if someone else is offering comfort during that time. After all, this is one of the most vulnerable moments in your partner’s life. 

External Pressures and Life Stressors

Life is unpredictable, and external pressures can place significant strain on even the strongest relationships. Financial stress, family obligations, health crises, or loss can deplete emotional reserves and test the resilience of a partnership. In times of crisis, differences in coping mechanisms and emotional expression may become apparent, leading to friction.

Couples may find themselves with little time or energy to nurture their bond. Without conscious effort to support each other and navigate adversity as a team, partners can become isolated in their struggles, eroding the foundation of intimacy and mutual reliance. Try to be understanding. Stop blaming your partner, sit down, and openly discuss it. Try putting yourself in their shoes and make a concerted effort to work with your partner to come up with a better solution to resolve and address the situation that is less of a strain on the relationship.

Loss of Emotional or Physical Intimacy

Intimacy—both emotional and physical—is the lifeblood of a strong relationship. It is nurtured through vulnerability, affection, and shared experiences. Over time, however, intimacy can diminish. Life’s demands, unresolved conflicts, or changes in self-esteem may reduce a couple’s closeness.

Physical intimacy, too, is subject to fluctuation. Medical issues, stress, or changes in attraction can create distance. When partners feel disconnected in these crucial ways, loneliness and dissatisfaction may set in. The absence of intimacy can transform partners into roommates, rather than lovers or confidants. The moment you sense the intimacy between you and your partner drifting, bring it to their attention. Don’t brood by yourself and neglect it.  This opens the door to your partner cheating.  Have heartfelt conversations about it. Let your partner know how it is affecting you, and that you are ready, willing, and eager to work with them to find solutions to fix the underlying issues. Then commit and make every effort to do so. Don’t make empty promises, as partners are often notorious for doing so.

Incompatibility Revealed Over Time

In the early stages of a relationship, we often ignore incompatibilities. I cannot stress this enough: when you are dating, the main thing on your mind should be, “Am I compatible with this person?” If the answer is no, walk away. This will only come back to haunt you later. Differences in values, life goals, or personality traits are often minimized or go unnoticed in the glow of new love. Over time, however, as the relationship ages, these differences become increasingly apparent and difficult to ignore.

For example, one partner’s desire for adventure may clash with the other’s need for stability. Differing attitudes toward spending, parenting, or social life can create ongoing tension. When fundamental incompatibilities arise, couples face the difficult choice between compromise and separation.  If you genuinely love each other, try discussing these differences openly and create a clear path forward where you both agree on the terms and the things you are willing to compromise on to maintain peace. Make this written agreement if needed. And once you make a deal, you must commit to it.

Lack of Personal Growth and Stagnation

A thriving relationship encourages the personal growth of both partners. Stagnation—whether emotional, intellectual, or professional—can stifle not only the individual but also the partnership itself. When one or both partners cease to pursue their own interests, passions, or self-improvement, the relationship often loses its vibrancy.

Growth is essential for sustained attraction and mutual respect. Without it, relationships can become stale, and partners may seek stimulation or validation elsewhere, further undermining the connection. Work with your partner and support their venture and areas of growth.  You don’t necessarily have to agree, but if it is very important to your partner, it should warrant some of your time and support.

Infidelity and Betrayal

Though not exclusive to relationships that are struggling, infidelity is a frequent cause of relationship breakdown. Betrayal shatters trust and undermines the secure base upon which intimacy is built. Even good relationships are not immune; sometimes, unaddressed issues or unmet needs drive individuals to seek fulfillment outside the partnership.

While some couples are able to rebuild trust after betrayal, for many, it marks a turning point from which the relationship cannot recover. Limit temptations: if you find yourself drawn to another person. Keep away from them. If you have to work with them, try focusing on the less desirable aspects or flaws about them.  Secondly, discuss the need for outside affections with your partner.  This is often a signal that something is amiss in your relationship.

The Influence of Past Experiences

Individual histories—childhood attachment styles, previous relationships, and personal traumas—shape how people relate to their partners. Unresolved wounds or ingrained patterns may resurface in times of stress, influencing behavior and expectations in the current relationship.

For example, a person with a history of abandonment may become overly anxious or clingy, while another may maintain emotional distance as a defense mechanism. These patterns, if unexamined, can sabotage even the healthiest of bonds. Be open to seeing a therapist. This is a good approach to addressing unresolved issues.

And finally, note that good relationships, like all living things, require ongoing care, attention, and adaptation. They are not immune to the whims of time, personal growth, or external pressures. While the reasons for their decline are numerous and varied, a common thread runs through them all: a breakdown in communication, intimacy, mutual support, personal growth, and a degree of complacency.

Understanding why good relationships go bad is not merely an exercise in hopelessness. This article is a call to mindfulness, to the deliberate cultivation of empathy, curiosity, and awareness. With conscious effort, many of the forces that erode love can be recognized and addressed, transforming vulnerability into resilience and a renewed determination to counteract the persistent forces of entropy that are chipping away at your relationship at this very moment.

In the end, the journey of any relationship is a testament to the complexity of the human heart—a fragile tapestry woven with threads of hope, communication, vulnerability, compassion, and empathy. The challenge is not to avoid difficulties altogether, but to meet them with openness and a willingness to grow, both as individuals and together.

For more information on this subject, check out my book, “Balance, Counteracting the Obstacles in Life.”