Is Jealousy Good or Bad for Relationships?

The Answer May Surprise You

-Written by Nigel G Kettle–

Jealousy is often a complex concept that people respond to in different ways, depending on their personality and worldview. Some people view it as a positive emotion, while others see it as a profoundly negative quality that has no place in our lives. And then some believe that, as with almost all things, there is a time and place for it.  Several people have told me that if your partner isn't jealous, it means they don’t really love you. For some, jealousy serves as a warning—an indication that something is wrong in their relationship. For others, it’s an inevitable result of deep love and commitment. But is jealousy fundamentally good or bad for relationships? To answer this, we delve deeper to examine the roots and unveil the true nature of the often misunderstood emotion, as well as its impact on our lives and relationships.

Let’s begin exploring what exactly jealousy is. At its core, jealousy is an emotional response to perceived threats—real or imagined. It often arises when a person fears losing the attention, affection, or loyalty of a loved one to someone else. Some psychologists have argued that jealousy is an evolved mechanism we develop to help protect critical social bonds, thereby contributing to the survival and stability of partnerships. Yet, the ways in which jealousy manifests and the effects it produces are profoundly shaped by cultural, personal, relational, and often religious factors.

While perceived threats trigger jealousy, the point at which it triggers you is often based on how secure or insecure you are as a person. The more secure you are, the less prone you are to react to imagined threats; the less secure you are, the more you tend to overreact and see things that are not really there. Some people are so jealous that they will never trust a member of the opposite sex to be alone with their partner for anything more than a fleeting moment. If someone admires or compliments their partner, they perceive it as a serious threat. I once met an air conditioning repairman who told me that he was so jealous that sometimes during the day, he would randomly go home to check if his wife was seeing anyone.

The bottom line is that jealousy plays an essential role in our lives and relationships.  Jealousy serves as a warning sign, alerting us when our partners show excessive interest in someone else. This is important because we can sometimes bring it to our partner’s attention, who may not be aware of the extent to which they are engaging with that person or the mixed messages they may be sending.  Here are some of the positive aspects of Jealousy.

Jealousy often serves as a valuable signal—an emotional nudge prompting partners to address vulnerabilities or re-examine boundaries. When jealousy arises, it can prompt individuals to examine their own insecurities, desires, and expectations. This introspection can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself and the relationship. Mild jealousy can remind partners of their feelings for one another. It can signal that their connection is valued and worth protecting, sometimes reigniting passion and appreciation that may have faded over time.

When expressed honestly and calmly, feelings of jealousy can open the door to meaningful conversations about needs, boundaries, and concerns. Such dialogues can foster trust and mutual understanding, ultimately strengthening the partnership.

Jealousy can alert partners to external threats or growing distance, motivating them to invest more effort in nurturing their bond. It can lead to positive changes, such as spending more quality time together or reaffirming commitment through words and actions.

Now, before I proceed to the negative aspects of jealousy, I would like to lead you down an often-overlooked pathway.  How to use jealousy to your advantage to benefit you and your partner. One of the most devastating traits in all relationships is our human tendency to become complacent once we have accomplished something. We put so much effort into winning our partners, but once we have them, we become complacent. A few months or a year into the relationship, we settle into boring routines. The value we once placed on our partners begins to wane. We have them. They are ours. No need to impress them anymore. Much like that dream car you have always wanted. You now have it, and a year later, it becomes just another car, because the value you originally placed on it has worn off.  Unfortunately, this is often true with our relationships, too.

In order for your partner to remain a high-valued asset, you must be aware that she is desired by others. The moment you become aware that you are the only person who desires your partner, psychologically and with no conscious effort on your part, that person begins to depreciate in value in your mind. The truth is, nobody wants the person that others are not interested in. The more people are interested in your partner, the higher their value in your eyes. Now, of course, there are always exceptions to any rule, but in general, this is the way it is. I have met people who are attracted to the man or woman that others reject, but in several cases, these individuals are suffering from low self-esteem.  I know of people who are drawn to what they call “fixer-uppers”. Again, these are typically individuals struggling with low self-esteem and often feel the need to be with someone they feel superior to.

Now, what I am referring to is a small dose of jealousy.  Every once in a while, if you feel like your value is diminishing in your partner’s eyes, introduce a small dose of jealousy. When I say small dose, I am referring to something as subtle as letting them know that someone was checking you out, or something minor like that.  However, if you have a partner who is extremely jealous, I don’t recommend this.  This is all it takes to set some people off.  Anyway, the point I am making is that letting your partner know every once in a while that you are desired will often evoke renewed interest. However, overdoing it will have the opposite effect. I cannot emphasize this enough.  Balance is the key here. If you know your partner is overly jealous, this may not be the right thing for you. 

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let’s get to the negative consequences of jealousy that you need to be aware of. Destructive jealousy frequently stems from feelings of inadequacy or fear of not being “enough.” When these insecurities are projected onto the relationship, they can lower self-esteem and hinder both partners from feeling secure.

Persistent jealousy can erode the foundational trust between partners. Accusations, suspicion, and constant questioning will lead to emotional distance and resentment. Intense jealousy often leads us to monitor, restrict, or control our partner’s actions, friendships, and even thoughts. This suffocates individuality and independence, ultimately pushing partners apart.

Unchecked jealousy often fuels arguments, misunderstandings, and emotional pain. If not managed constructively, these conflicts can escalate, damaging the emotional well-being of both individuals.  In its most extreme forms, jealousy can contribute to cycles of emotional abuse, manipulation, or even violence. It may also foster codependency, where partners become excessively reliant on one another for validation and security.

Understanding the roots of jealousy can help us manage it more effectively. Common triggers include: One of the reasons I often hear from my life coaching sessions is past experience with betrayals or abandonment. These often leave a lasting scar, making individuals more prone to jealousy in future relationships.

A young woman recently told me, “My previous partner was a serial cheater, so I can never trust another partner.” Four months ago, in a heartfelt conversation, a friend told me that he could never trust another woman. He caught his wife cheating with his friend, a friend his wife led him to believe she hated so much that he was forbidden to bring that friend to the house or even hang out with him because his wife utterly despised him.  She referred to the friend in the most derogatory way, describing him as ugly and worthless. Imagine his astonishment when he found out that that was the person his wife was having an affair with. “How can I ever trust another woman?” he exclaimed with tears in his voice. 

Sometimes, jealousy is a rational response to actual threats, such as flirtatious behavior or emotional distance. In these cases, it can serve as a useful alert system.  As mentioned before, people with low self-confidence are often more susceptible to jealousy, as they may doubt their worth or fear losing their partner to someone “better.” Individuals with anxious or insecure attachment styles may experience heightened jealousy, while those with secure attachment tend to be more trusting of their partners and themselves.

So, how should couples address jealousy when it arises? The key lies in communication and self-awareness. The first step is to accept that jealousy is a normal human emotion. Denying or suppressing it can exacerbate the situation, while an honest acknowledgment enables growth.

Take time to reflect on the root causes of jealousy. Is it based on facts or insecurities? Are there any unresolved issues from the past that are influencing the present?

Express Emotions Constructively: Share your feelings with your partner in a calm and non-accusatory manner. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel worried when...” rather than “You make me jealous because...” Couples should discuss and agree upon boundaries that respect each person’s comfort levels without stifling individual freedom. Work on personal growth and self-confidence, both individually and as a couple. Celebrate strengths and achievements, and support one another’s goals.  And lastly, seek support if needed. There is no harm in admitting that you have an issue with managing jealousy. In cases where jealousy is overwhelming or rooted in deeper issues, seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor can be incredibly helpful.

There are times when jealousy is not just an emotion to be managed, but a symptom of larger problems within the relationship. For example, if one partner repeatedly violates agreed-upon boundaries or is emotionally unfaithful, jealousy may be justified and even necessary as a call to action. On the other hand, chronic, baseless jealousy may signal unresolved personal issues or a mismatch in expectations and values between partners.

Ultimately, the health of a relationship depends on the ability of both partners to strike a balance between closeness and independence, trust and vigilance, and emotional honesty and respect for boundaries. Trust is the foundation upon which all satisfying relationships are built. When trust is present, there is room for vulnerability, openness, and the occasional pang of jealousy—without allowing it to dictate actions or undermine our relationship.

So, is jealousy good or bad for relationships? The answer is not as simple as either-or. In moderation, and when handled with care, jealousy can spark deeper understanding, more profound appreciation, reaffirm commitment, and help couples navigate the complexities of relationships. However, unchecked or intense jealousy can become a destructive force, eroding trust and closeness.

The challenge for couples is not to eliminate jealousy altogether, but to recognize it as a natural human emotion—one that, when acknowledged and managed constructively, can even deepen the bond between two people. By fostering open communication, self-awareness, and mutual respect, partners can ensure that jealousy becomes a tool for growth, rather than a barrier to happiness.

Check out our podcast for a lively discussion on the subject at LoveMisunderstood.com. Also, for more information on Jealousy, check out my book, “Balance, Counteracting the Obstacles in Life”.