Understanding Love: A Journey to Fulfillment

The word love has captivated writers, poets, philosophers, and scientists since the dawn of time. It fuels incredible works of art and evokes heartwarming sensations. Love inspires acts of heroism and binds humanity together. Yet, it can also leave us baffled, confused, hurt, afraid, and lost. It often puts us on paths of conflict with others. But what exactly is love? Is it merely a chemical reaction, a social construct, or something more transcendent? Let’s delve into the complex world of love and its multifaceted nature to gain a deeper understanding of this universal force.

The Complexity of Love

The prevailing definition of love stems from religion. It defines love not as a single emotion but as a complex combination of several feelings. These include caring, kindness, compassion, commitment, trust, and joy. Since religion shapes most societies, counselors, life coaches, therapists, and psychologists often follow these definitions established by previous generations. Thus, the practice of defining love as a complex array of emotions persists. This definition is taught in schools, colleges, and nearly every part of society.

Deep down, however, many of us feel that something isn't quite right. If love embodies all those qualities, why is it often accompanied by pain and drama? Why do we frequently feel perplexed, deceived, betrayed, and hurt? Why aren’t relationships as beautiful and pleasant as the fairy tales we read growing up? Love is supposed to embody great human attributes. It is not jealous, prideful, or offensive. It keeps no record of wrongs and is not easily angered. So, why do partners often experience so many issues? Why do they argue and fight, and everything negative in between?

The American Psychological Association states that 40 to 50% of first marriages end in divorce. For second marriages, the figure rises to 60 to 67%. And don’t even get me started on the staggering percentage of people stuck in miserable, unfulfilling marriages. A shocking 19% of married people say their marriage is loveless. Meanwhile, 38% feel obligated to stay married. Take a moment to consider this. 20 to 25% of marriages report experiencing infidelity, and these are only the ones that admit it. What does this say about the state of love? Do you still believe that love is all the good things you’ve been taught?

Rethinking Love

The truth is, we are wrong about what love is. Love is none of those things we have been led to believe. It has nothing to do with kindness, compassion, trust, or loyalty. Love is simply a single emotion. Simply put, love is the euphoric emotional reaction of fondness or delight we experience when we really like someone or something. We feel this emotion when we find someone or something appealing, attractive, or compelling. The way we express love is dictated by our unique personalities. In essence, it is the chemical reaction our bodies experience when we enjoy someone or something in the moment. It is nothing more than a single emotion.

Love has nothing to do with being compassionate, gentle, or romantic. All these other emotions and qualities are essential for maintaining a fulfilling relationship, but they are not love. If you love someone, yes, it is conducive to be kind, caring, and compassionate. However, these traits stem from your personality, not love itself. Yes, you can love someone and hurt them. Yes, you can love someone and cheat on them. Yes, you can love someone and betray them, be unkind to them, or even kill them. I am so sick of these idealistic notions about love that we have perpetuated for years without basis in reality. Is it any wonder that so many people feel confounded and stuck in miserable relationships, wondering what is wrong with them?

If this article makes you uncomfortable, you can stop reading here. This discomfort often arises when our belief systems are challenged. I challenge my own beliefs all the time, and like you, I am not immune to the discomfort that comes with it. However, I know that if I truly want to get to the truth, I must push aside the discomfort and press on. So here we go.

Falling in Love: A Simple Explanation

Now, if love is as simple as I’ve explained, how do I account for falling in love? Well, this is also straightforward. When you find yourself in the company of someone intriguing, you begin to experience strong reactions toward them. You start to desire to bring that person closer into your sphere. However, you can only do that if you have some control over them. But first, you must also be the object of that person's attention. So, you do what it takes to gain that person’s attention. Whatever method you use to gain their interest, you now need to engage them to hold their attention.

If you’re lucky, that person may have already noticed you and is interested in you. Our behavior here mirrors that of animals trying to win the attention of a mate. We go through similar rituals and dances, akin to those of birds, goats, fish, or any number of animals. Based on what the suitor seeks at that moment, those who are better suited usually win, while others look on in jealousy, wondering what he or she finds in that unattractive person. In later podcast episodes, we will discuss “How to Improve Your Odds at Landing a Partner” and “How to Maintain A Fulfilling Relationship.”

In any case, the point I’m making is that our behavior is similar to that of other creatures in the animal kingdom. We all operate from the same base instinct or genetic code. There is no mystery here. The complexities lie in maintaining a productive, fulfilling, enjoyable relationship filled with sustained joy and frequent bouts of happiness. This relationship factor is often confused with love. It is not. Love is merely a precursor to this. Keeping your partner fulfilled and in love with you takes knowledge and effort. However, you can’t begin to address this part of your relationship if you are confused about how love works and its role in your life. This is the main reason most relationships fail. They fail because we engage in them with false and misleading information. As Bob Marley puts it, “You can’t jump in the water if you can’t swim.” However, this is what we do every single day.

The Importance of Healthy Relationships

The main point here is this: the emphasis in a love affair should not be on love but on maintaining a healthy relationship. In healthy relationships, couples nurture habits that engage their partner and keep their interactions interesting. The focus is on counteracting the destructive forces of entropy, which is a relationship killer.

It is the nature of all things to transition from order to disorder. This fundamental force is one that all relationships must continually find ways to counteract. The moment you stop maintaining your relationship is when it begins to unravel. This is the natural course of everything in existence. It is not that nature is trying to disrupt your life; it is simply transitioning to another state. Entropy accounts for the continual ebb and flow of existence. Without it, life would be mundane. Nevertheless, relationships cannot endure in chaos; thus, we must take charge and intentionally guide them in the direction we desire. This is the secret to every successful relationship. The success of all relationships hinges on how well the individuals involved are willing to tackle the challenges that entropy presents.

With that said, I implore you to reevaluate your definition of love. Come to grips with the fact that the way your partner expresses love is dictated by their unique personality and how they interpret the world. If your partner is selfish, they will love you with a degree of selfishness. If they are insecure, they are likely to be more jealous. If they have anger issues, that anger follows them into the relationship. The fact that they love you does not erase those flaws. Strangely, many people believe love fixes everything and improves individuals. It does not. These are personality flaws inherent to that person. When you are in love with someone and intend to start a sustained relationship, begin by asking yourself, “Can I live with this person’s less desirable qualities?” If the answer is no, move on. Don’t waste any more time—unless, of course, you are a sucker for conflict and discomfort.

The Challenge of Change

Trying to change someone is self-defeating. The chances of success are slim. Most people are set in their ways and are okay with themselves as they are. Their traits are deeply entrenched in their being. This encompasses the collective values that define who they are. Their principles and worldview are based on this. Changing core behaviors is very difficult. Even if they want to change, they often quickly revert to their old ways in moments of anger, without even realizing it. This applies to all of us, including you and me.

Finding someone you are more compatible with is easier than trying to change someone. How many times have you had someone genuinely promise they will never do something again, only to have it happen again in a moment of anger? “I promise I will never shout at you again. I will never put you down again. I will never call you that nasty name again. I will never beat you again. I will never cheat on you again. I will stop being selfish, I will be more patient,” and the list of promises goes on.

It is important to note that there is no perfect person. We all come with a set of baggage and flaws. Yes, that includes you. Start by accepting that you are just as messed up as any other human on this planet. Stop searching for the perfect person; they do not exist. The objective is to find a person with whom you are compatible. This means sharing enough in common regarding core principles and values while having enough differences to keep the relationship interesting. Learn to accept some of your partner’s less desirable qualities; they must do the same for you, regardless of how perfect you think you are.

Cultivating Love in Relationships

Love can be satisfying and fulfilling. There is just no feeling like it. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over. Experiencing it repeatedly in your relationship is the goal. However, to do that, you must cultivate it. The aim of your relationship is to keep experiencing that feeling of love and those moments of happiness. If you can repeatedly make your partner feel love and joy, you have a partner for life. If, however, it becomes a set of mundane routines, you can stick it out because you made a commitment, but your life will be void of joy. Most people are in joyless relationships. They go through the motions, doing all the superficial things society tells them to, but the relationship feels empty. Occasionally, they enjoy a moment, but these moments are too infrequent.

This article only scratches the surface of love and relationships. For more information on fostering a more joyful connection, check out Chapter Four, “Understanding Love,” in my book, “Balance, Counteracting the Obstacles in Life.”

Let’s continue this journey together. Love is complex, but understanding it can lead to a more fulfilling life.